GOODBYE...Whoever gave the name goodbye...how was leaving our son good?

JUNE 14th~ Departing Ethiopia....I woke up feeling a joy to return home to see our children, however not able to process leaving our other child...We had a beautiful breakfast and were able to spend some good time with the Guest House Staff.  We felt compelled to bless each one with a gift...It seemed small in comparison to what they have done for our family, but they were so touched. How do you say thank you to the many people who have cared for our son for the last 7months? We were driven to see Sintayehu for one more visit before we needed to head to pack for home. It was odd the somber feelings for what we knew would occur in two hours.  We truly squeezed each minute we had with him.  After we played for a bit, we had a special moment with his blanket that was made for him.  The blanket was all BOY and made out of fleece, our friend made it to where the middle was to be cut, and half would be left with him, and the other half would come home with us...Then when were all reunited as Family we will tie the blanket whole again.  Just a beautiful Gift!  After that Beckham fell asleep on Mama, and after I felt like I had hogged him enough, I passed him over to David....We just stared...Marveled at the gift God had blessed us with...Before I was ready, the nanny came in to take Sintayehu...It was there In that MOMENT I have never felt nor do I wish to feel again....

                                                        Last few minutes with Beckham
     I remember feeling like I wasn't even there, like I was watching and wanting to control what was happening, and yet could not....How do I leave? A noise came out of me that I didn't know was mine...All these thoughts of, "who could watch my kiddos at home?' "How much would it cost to adjust my ticket and just STAY..."Trying to express to David thru the tears that I shouldn't leave...In that unbearable moment it was my other children that got me on that plane HOME..
     OK~ SO hear is some CRAZY COOL ways of GOD! Before I can get to them, I need to share my experience I was having there in Addis Ababa. First of all the very first glimpse took my breath away.  This land held my son.  This country held his mother...His mother...Overwhelmed with what we were about to experience in this week!  This was my first time to be in a third world country.  I had somewhere in my mind glamorized this trip, due to the fact it was all about our boy, this beautiful adoption journey~ I never prepared for what I saw...How can you? How do you prepare for Poverty, crippled, blind...Blind everywhere, beggars every few feet...Women handing you their children, begging for food or money...Children begging for the belly to be full a little longer...You see, their not asking for ANYTHING but for us to give them drink, and food...to survive. I cried daily, and a few times wanted to take back that prayer I uttered a few years ago, "Break my heart, for what Breaks yours." Oh how many times I wanted God to lift this feeling from me. IT was such a time of reflection...How is it babies die from a simple cold, or a 7year old boy from Thypoid Fever? We just were vaccinated for this before travel...WHY don't they do this here!!!Nobody should have to put a child in the ground!  WHY do we have warehouses full of FOOD, Emergency Food buckets IN CASE of an emergency when people are dying of STARVATION...Isn't that an emergency?! I'm screaming these thoughts in my mind all DAY long, restless nights of WHY'S... Well I was going to change this...Even if it was just ONE life everyday we were there...Well by the third day we were there we had given all our money away...By this time, our driver looked at me and said, "You can't fix this." TODAY I still ponder those words...

    SO back to the day we said goodbye to our son, and headed to airport...If I had known I wasn't returning on the second trip I would have done and seen so much more, but I was truly handicapped in that beautiful culture...As we said goodbye to our driver Eshetu, He told David.."Goodbye my brother, my pastor friend. I will PRAY you back for this next trip." David embraced him and said,"You will need to pray hard, I have work and it just works for Ranell and our daughter."
     OK~ as we get on the plane..."David I can not do this again! I don't think I can come back here and do this..."He replied,"YOU have to do this. We don't have a choice. I can't afford the time off of work again. I just cried and said I was not made to see what we had witnessed, it was just to much...Then something in me said I WILL PRAY...A MIRACLE for you to be able to come back.Not sure if emotional draining played a part in the next words that spilled out of me quicker than I could process.  He kinda laughed, and told me I would be okay, and now that I have seen I would know what to expect.  And that Beckham would get me on that plane.  Of course he was right!
WELL, that was on Thursday, we get home late Friday to some pretty excited kiddos :-) Enjoy our time with them thru the Jet lag and something Funky we picked up in Nairobi, Kenya...Yikes..This is what blows my mind away.  David goes into work on Monday.  Apparently our niece Cari had done David's work while he was gone.  So the work was done and he didn't need to get caught up..However David knew that meant he not only missed a weeks worth of work, but now wouldn't get paid for the catch up.  He's works for a small business so it doesn't allow for paid vacation, sick days,etc. Well remember the miracle I told David I was praying...His boss told him he had his daughter cover and that he still wanted to Pay David for that week, for work he had not done, and if he needed to fly out for the second trip he would do the same thing for him! Only God.
     Well now...Guess who changed her tune in going? That's right...I now am dreaming of the day to fly back out to get to Beckham, must be like having a baby...You forget the pain right after, and would do it all over again..That's where I was...Wanting to do it all over again..Convinced this time, I would be braver, Less tears...ready to change the world, and while I am doing that I would be bringing our son home with my oldest daughter. Needless to say...it's still a coin toss at this point...David is laughing at me,telling me God heard my prayer and answered it..He was going back.  I let him think that......